TALK OF A DARK SECRET

This is a very special post today.

I go talk on the blog of a very dark secret that I had keep for me during a very very long time and which it out of me the January 26, 2017 at my psychiatrist in a email.

I had often keep deep inside me my problems, my fears sometimes they are just little sometimes extremely BIG, and among the BIG there is that I was bullied during all years school almost and this one who follow… Never I thought that I could talk of that, I say me that I prefered kill me.

Ok, it’s hard I’m ready.

The dark secret that I keep during approximately 9 years old inside me and about 2 years with physical pain is about: my tooth.

During my childhood my mother took me once to the dentist in spring 2005 this appointment followed two other appointments. I remember that during this meeting the dentist told my mother that I should have been taken earlier, my mother answered, <yes that it was her fault>. Then she never took me anymore although some years she received a voucher for a free visit.
On the other hand my parents never taught me and watched from my childhood if I brushed my teeth so I never brush them in elementary school there were two, three lessons on this subject but I did not brush them yet because I did not know if it was really important as my parents did not tell me anything and never asked me to brush them. Towards the entrance to the college I saw with Internet that could be serious not to brush them but I still did not because it had never been taught to me so I did not really believe and did not know that it was really important then the time/years went by I was not going to the dentist and I was not brushing my teeth. From time to time I brush them but in an irregular way and almost not.
For about a year and a half now with my therapy with my psychiatrist I started to see/think and manage the little things of life differently, so I gradually began to brush my teeth even if at the beginning I have never been taught to do it, and when I’m depressed, I do not want to do anything, so something that I was never taught was even worse. For a few months I manage to do it regularly even if sometimes it remains very difficult and I jump some period.
But today and with all these years I have cavities and in January I losted 1/4 of a teeth.
I knew that one day I should go at dentist but I would have hoped that it was not the case I know I am connected but after that I am completely terrorized I did can not go there. I did can not talk to my parents that is not possible and I completely terrified of all that. My more fear was that be serious because I never go to the dentist and I did not even brush my teeth.

It’s happened just before Snow trip, I keeped that again during the trip and I said me that it is necessary that I talk and I decided to write at my psychiatrist because I can’t talk at my parents of that and talk in face to face it was not possible.

After email at my psychiatrist we had talk in the next visit.

We had talk and search solutions for help me; my psychiatrist has founded dentist with hypnosis…But in this moment my parents does not know the situation, I cannot to talk them my psychiatrist has proposed me of talk her at my parents, but at the end of the visit, I don’t know always what. She has says that she will call my mother I had not say “yes” but in real I wanted. After the visit was finish and I took the way of back home.

To talk about I understanded that I have no special fear of dentist but that it’s important problems’s tooth just.

The night at home my tooth pains was so hard that in crying I had asked at my mother of call my psychiatrist cause I can’t say me. My mother has call my psychiatrist and she explains the problem.

After a long way for found a solution has start.

My mother has did research but the first appointements was in middle of march, after a secretary we had send towards a dentist in a hospital.

The appointment with this dentist is happened on the beginning of February and I went, before I had did a X-ray, the dentist says that I had a big infection in two teeth and he wanted snatch them, no other options for him, I sign some documents for surgery that was fixed beginning of March.

I go out of this appointment in crying for what that as that…

My mother was not agree with the decision of this dentist, after go home, my mom search a other solution for see a other dentist, in attendant, I took antibiotic for the infection.

My mother talked at pharmatist and he gived a another name’s dentist, she call for a appointment and found a place 2 and half weeks after. The 27, February.

Few times after I did a X-Ray but the’infection was always here.

I went with 0,75mg d’ Alprazolam at this dentist visit with the X-Ray and talked with him, he asked me my fears face at this situation, I had rarely able of talk in some situations as that but here, yes”.

He explains me the situation of my tooth, the solutions maybe, he did me other X-ray again. Two roots canals principally but before he wanted ask a special dentist for see if my tooth was soigniable and the other dentist says”yes ” and it will be this other dentist that will to do the sois.

First teeth on 7 March and the second on 30 March/

During 1 month I ate alone mashed potatoes, tomatoes, soup, yogurts, Ice cream at a some time I can’t ate by fear and pain.

For that I went to the visits I took always 0,75mg d’Alprazolam, for the first during I was a not real life this was the first sois since lots of years, the second at least.

I’m now in plain recovery psychological and physical.

It’s hard I’m feel so with some fears I cannot eat on the tooth cause of these fears.

I talk of all that it’s a biggest weigh it out of me, I’m feel more light now but with fears always and biggest, since that situation I started to took d’Alprazolam generally 0,75mg until 1,25mg/day, that to did a long time before that I did not took anxiolytics. This situation has stop me in my food photography and trying new food cause I cannot eat, it’s for that which February Month Goals and February Food In review was little and too that I did nothing in March.

I try to eat or I stopped on my recovery of Anorexia with simple food cause I eat not on my teeth.

The next week I will to do a post about the recovery of my first teeth. (I’m always in recovery).

The week after again I will to do a post about the recovery of second teeth.

This is my little story about a dark secret that I keep long time in me and that I managed to out. I’m a little proud of me.

XOXO.

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